Not the Airport Olympics

My first ride on an airplane was 2 years and 6 months ago.

“Your first flight ever?!” my classmates said, shocked to learn about my then flight-less life. I was surprised by their surprise— I hadn’t realized it was unusual. Our family vacations were few and only a short drive away. Escalators fascinated me— my world was very small. Occasionally my friends would travel far, but not often. I stayed in Pennsylvania.

Flying was a little bit of a dream come true for me. When I was young I was fascinated with planes and helicopters. I distinctly remember this silver toy plane that looked so real, that I “flew” often, and a cartoon show with talking airplanes that I loved. I hoped to ride in a plane eventually, but had no idea when I would. When I signed up for this trip I called my mom to tell her. She was excited with me.

I’m in the airport now, realizing how different this flight is from my first. I remember being anxious and excited. I was confused by all the signs and rules. Security check overwhelmed me. This was exasperated by everyone else’s calmness. There seemed to be a million things that could go wrong. I kept forgetting things. I was nervous about leaving the gate area (I set like 6 alarms to remind me of boarding time). I reviewed my checklist maybe 100 times.

Right now I am at the the Boston airport— where I took my first flight— now returning from my 11th roundtrip since that first flight. Check in was easy. Security check felt fast. I walked all the way around the airport to find a nice place to sit and type this. I didn’t set an alarm (let alone 6) for my boarding time. I did not take 30 snapchat pictures with Logan Airport’s geotag. This is familiar to me now.

This is my new normal.

It’s a small, but nice mark of growth and independence for me— accompanied by and parallel to many other, beautiful marks of growth from my transition into adulthood.

Irmagerd

This is what I thought about as I evacuated Irma.

When I didn't have what I felt I needed, I was at my worst. I was angry and selfish in my thoughts and actions.

When I had what I felt I needed, I was at my best. I was compassionate and generous toward my fellow humans.

It seems to be a pattern of humans, seen most clearly during disasters.

During Irma we struggled to find tangible, material needs like water, food, shelter, and gas.

The rest of the time, I watch this pattern play out emotionally.

I watch people who are loved, love more freely.

I watch people who are hurt, love with reserve.

I see youth with a history of hurt, understandably battle a habit of of distrust and defense. People do not understand the reasons, and they withhold compassion and continue the cycle.

I see youth with consistent, loving mentors believe in themselves and listen well. They learn and thrive and easily receive the love they need to learn and thrive more.

We are all so dependent on one another, more than we know.

I am so thankful for all the people in my life who have showered me with a love so strong that it reaches from the north to South Tampa. You broke a bad cycle, and I'm ready to do the same for others.

My Adulthood Fails

Holy Moly!

It has been one year since I moved into my first apartment!

Which means I survived an entire year of "adulting."

I am so proud of myself for going on this terrifying, expensive, confusing, lonely adventure alone.

Also, I am so glad the first year is over.

To celebrate, I've decided to laugh at myself. Join me as I reminisce on my adulthood fails.

• For a week, my milk was thick and my meat tasted weird, even though they were not near expiring. I just assumed I was paranoid and this was normal. Turns out my fridge was on it's lowest setting so I had been low-key food poisoning myself all week.

• I live on the second floor and park far from my apartment, so when possible I try bringing my groceries in one trip. One time I had just barely too much for one trip, but I attempted it anyway. I spent so long strategically rearranging the groceries that it would've taken less time to take two trips-- also I broke 5 eggs.

• The first time I tried frying food, I thought the oil was supposed to boil. It ended up evaporating, setting off the fire alarm, and getting in my eyes. I had to open the window and stop the fire alarm all while barely being able to open my eyes from the painful fumes.

• Some weeks I would only be home for a short amount of time, making it hard to buy groceries and cook. At one point I went an entire week with barely any food in my apartment. I lived off of granola bars and lunchables.

• Through a ridiculous 3 hour phone call, during which I was practically brainwashed and hypnotized, I somehow was conned into paying for a probably-sketchy 2 night cruise for me and a not-yet identified guest. After I realized how crazy this was, I called to get my money back. They didn't put up a fight and I attribute that to the fact that I told the customer service lady that I, too, was recording the conversation.

• I bought my first bottle of wine without realizing that I did not have a corkscrew. My friend mentioned that some people use a screw and a hammer to open the bottle. So I put a screw in, but I didn't have a hammer so I improvised with a can opener. while trying to pull it out, the cork broke and the can opener smacked me in the mouth. I had a bloody, bruised lip.

• I, for some reason, have still not bought a tape measure or yard stick. When I need to measure something, I compare it to the length of my own body by laying down next to it.

• I improvised while cooking a breakfast casserole, putting some bread that would soon expire in the bottom. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted, but it took so much time, effort, and so many ingredients that I tried to force myself to eat it all week. I eventually gave up and threw it away.

• The first time I tried getting health insurance, the agent I spoke with signed me up for some sort of not-actually-insurance health club thing. I paid for this for like 3 months before learning that it wasn't actually health insurance.

• I have been mistaken as a middle schooler about 8 times and a high schooler too many times to count. One time I was mistaken as a middle schooler while actually sitting at the teacher's desk in a classroom.

I am so full of nostalgia.

I still cannot believe that I actually understand cooking, have my own insurance, my own furniture, my own CAT.

Now I've come full circle, because tomorrow I move, and begin a new job in a new county.

Abundant blessings and good vibes,

Jean

Taking a Walk

Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity. 1 Timothy 4:12 

Sometimes a short walk takes me a long while.

For me walking involves more than steps.

On most occasions, I have to defend my steps.

You might say, "Take your time!

Slow and steady will win the race"

and you'd be right.

You might say, "Quality over quantity!

Your walk will be better if you inspect each step"

and you'd be right.

You might say, "Better safe than sorry!

Careful steps will bring you to your destination"

and you'd be right.

So I can walk like this, justifying every step along the way.

But I do know how to walk.

I wonder how much farther I could go if they knew that.

xo,

Jeans

Vow of Silence

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteousness that God desires." James 1:19-20

There was a time when I considered the command for silence to be optional.
Loudly interrupting everything. Afraid of not being heard.
Anxious to speak. Afraid of missing my turn.
I was the kid who would not shut up.

Now I am the adult who will not shut up.

Although I am decently trained in the physical act of closing my mouth,
the same fear remains.

These past few months it has been painfully obvious that I need to shut up.

As I end the struggle to prove myself worthy,
I hope to find that it was never needed.

 Talk Listen to you later,

Jean

"Cease striving and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10a 

Living Well

Do you ever stop caring?

I do.

All my life, ministry has focused on learning.
New perspectives and inspiring stories.
Step by steps and life tips.

I experienced ministry in this way: as a learner or a teacher.

It is through education that I was discipled.
The idea that understanding and believing truth,
will inspire me to live well.
The idea that knowing and following certain steps,
will make this walk easier.

& they do.

 But even so, I sometimes stop caring.
My steps are the same but I head another direction.


Peter Rollins argues that people are not the object of our desire
in the way money and beauty are.
Our relationship with people is fundamentally different.

He says that relationships are the source of our desire.

Broken relationships,
whether real or perceived,
remove all passion from me.

I know and believe what I did before,
but it no longer matters to me.
I stop caring.

Looking back on my seasons of loneliness,
it was through gentle conversations,
with friends who listen,
that I found motivation to continue.

It is love that gives me reason to live well.

Love, Jean

Always an Experiment

"The Lord is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?"

Psalm 27:1

I am now 4 months into actual adulthood and I am so overwhelmed.

As my work-load increases it becomes harder to work. For me, and those like me, this is a familiar pattern.

In fact, the enneagram test is what brought my attention to this pattern. I am a 7, which means I like to put a lot on my plate but I become lazy when I am stressed. Click here if you want to learn more about that.

My lack of motivation arises from fear.
I want to be accomplished and recognized.
When I near completing something I begin to fear that I will fail--and be seen as a failure.
So I avoid finishing the jobs I start-- to delay the failure.

I procrastinate and the reason is fear of failure.

The domino effect of revelations this information brought were ridiculous and so helpful.

Especially when paired with this piece of advice I received from my college advisor while discussing my new job as Youth Director of a church.

"Present everything as an experiment, because experiments don't fail."

If you have promised results that do not come, respect and trust are lost.

When I think of the task I was given--to build a ministry from the ground up in a place I had never been-- I realize that I need to present everything as an experiment because everything is an experiment.

I have never done this before and I am working with people who have never done this before. That alone makes this an experiment--but I am reminded of that in all my daily tasks.

What I forget is that people cannot be controlled. People are the variable.

We can and should learn about people, study demographics and ministry models-- but there is never an 100% guarantee that what we do will grow the church because there is no magic human formula. We are dynamic, like the one in whose image we are made. We make choices, grow and change.

Our responsibility is to create the space, organize and love, but the outcome is not our responsibility. The outcome is not in our control, no matter how well we do our job.

When I remember that I can't control the outcome a weight is lifted from my shoulders-the weight that comes from pride, the need to succeed and the fear of failure.

This is and always will be an experiment.

If in 5 years our church has 500 members, our work will still be an experiment...

If I plan a lesson for teenagers that I've known for a years, it will still be an experiment...

If we advertise using a strategic marketing plan, it will still be an experiment...

...and experiments do not fail.

So why should I be afraid?

I do not control the results but my work is done for the One who does.

It is this truth that calms my restless, worried thoughts, and gives me the courage to continue.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30