Chess and Failed Plans

I’ve taught two or three middle schooler’s chess now. Usually their second or third game is their worst game.

After they learn how to play, they eagerly develop a plan or two. Without a lot of experience playing chess, the plan seem solid. Not until the game actually begins do they realize their plan was built on assumptions about what their opponent would do and what they could do. They look for a way to accomplish their plan, and miss what’s happening on the board.

Then I crush ‘em.

Every game is different. You have to craft your strategy as the game unfolds.

I graduated college with a lot of plans, but I learned that my plans, and all plans have an assumed context. When I plan a lesson I forecast students’ interests, needs, prior knowledge, focus…. 

Mindfulness of those elements is important and the longer I am with a group the better my forecasts… but as life unfolds, the world, the students, and the context all change.

I change, too.

Trial and error has been a big part of my post-graduation life. Sometimes well-developed plans fall flat and impromptu decisions carry great impact. I do not intend to stop planning, I just want to pay attention to what is happening around me.

Lately, this has been through contemplative prayer. When I sit still, I begin to recognize God’s presence and His work in the people and places around me. It feels a bit like playing chess— my next move is better when I’m connected to the one who made the game.

"[Mary] sat at the Lord's feet listening to what He said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to Him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed-or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:39b-42 NIV

Taking a Walk

Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity. 1 Timothy 4:12 

Sometimes a short walk takes me a long while.

For me walking involves more than steps.

On most occasions, I have to defend my steps.

You might say, "Take your time!

Slow and steady will win the race"

and you'd be right.

You might say, "Quality over quantity!

Your walk will be better if you inspect each step"

and you'd be right.

You might say, "Better safe than sorry!

Careful steps will bring you to your destination"

and you'd be right.

So I can walk like this, justifying every step along the way.

But I do know how to walk.

I wonder how much farther I could go if they knew that.

xo,

Jeans

Vow of Silence

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteousness that God desires." James 1:19-20

There was a time when I considered the command for silence to be optional.
Loudly interrupting everything. Afraid of not being heard.
Anxious to speak. Afraid of missing my turn.
I was the kid who would not shut up.

Now I am the adult who will not shut up.

Although I am decently trained in the physical act of closing my mouth,
the same fear remains.

These past few months it has been painfully obvious that I need to shut up.

As I end the struggle to prove myself worthy,
I hope to find that it was never needed.

 Talk Listen to you later,

Jean

"Cease striving and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10a 

Women and Ministry

I did not ever intend for my blog to contain something of this nature, but I have grown increasingly frustrated and passionate about this topic.

To preface this: I am still a student, not an expert, and I acknowledge that, as a ministry student, I am personally invested in this topic. However, as a student who grew up in a complementarian church, my foundation was built upon the opposing position, and I feel that gives this argument some extra weight. As a female ministry student in her senior year, I have explored this topic in greater depth than the majority of those who would read my blog.

The complementarian viewpoint comes with one of two implications.
1. That women do not have the capacity to achieve the same or greater amount of wisdom or leadership ability as men.
2. That if a women has achieved a greater level of wisdom or leadership ability than the men in a her church, she should yield to a man with less wisdom or leadership ability.

The frequent expression, "Equality does not denote sameness" used as a clarifier for egalitarians is often a misconception of what egalitarian stand for. I don't think men and women are the same (though I personally think that is largely the result of social construction-but that doesn't effect my argument here), I think they both have unique gifts and personalities. One of the gifts that I do not believe is gender specific is leadership ability. I am arguing for leadership to be given as a role based on individuals ability to lead, not by gender.

Eastern culture, in which the bible was written, looks at rules in a much more fluid way. Where rules are given, exceptions are acceptable and expected. See "Misreading Scripture Through Western Eyes" for more information regarding that. Paul speaks against women leading over men (1 Timothy 2:12), but he also affirms Pheobe, a church deacon, and Junia, a woman apostle (more specifically a highly esteemed apostle.) "Because most people in Mediterranean antiquity were functionally illiterate, those who could read and speak well generally assumed teaching roles, an--with rare exceptions--these were men." (Keener) Men were more likely educated, so it is fitting, though not definitive, to say that Paul's restrictions on women leadership were due to women's lack of education--especially in light of Paul's affirmation of women leaders and eastern cultures outlook on rules.

In Romans 16 Paul greets women alongside many men, affirming their ministry. The word used to describe Pheobe as a Deacon in Romans 16:1 is translated by the ESV as servant. This would be a likely if the word was feminine. The word used is the masculine form of "Diakonos" which indicates a specific title. The name Junia being a female name is questioned. However, why have we questioned Pheobe's authority or Junia's gender? Do we assume it is unlikely because of our understanding of Paul's stance on women in ministry? If that is the case, my previous paragraph holds my argument against that. What other reason did we have to question it other than its lack of alignment with the Churches current theology?

In fact, Paul was one of the more progressive writers of his day. Knowing that, some consider these strong affirmations toward the ministry of the women he greets, which greatly surpasses the affirmation given to the men, in Romans 16, as written with the purpose of breaking down the prejudice against women in that day.

To consider these observations as a mere reliance upon human wisdom over the bible is hypocritical. Human wisdom is always a factor in biblical interpretation, and it is not more so here than it is with complementarianism. It seems irresponsible to favor the factors that affirm the churches past theology over the ones that challenge it. I regard tradition as important, but I do not think tradition holds more authority than scripture. Paul's direction for women to not teach over men and his strong affirmation of women church leaders should be viewed in equal light.

I'll admit I know less about Galatians 3:28 which says: "There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male or female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." It is undisputed that this passage is speaking about salvation. The thing is- the salvation Jesus brought was not solely for our life after death. Jesus was fulfilling the law left and right, challenging the current ways of life to restore his original creation. Jesus came to break down the wall created through the fall. He promised a restoration of what was intended for creation-- and if man ruling over women was a result of the fall, what does that say about God's intended order and the new promise we are working toward?

Listed with "man and women" is "Jew nor Gentile." The Jews were running the Christianity show- making the decisions over the gentiles. This passage is thought to be a breaking down of that authority gap--granting Gentiles the opportunity to discern truth and guide the church and we are all a product of this change in posture. So why do we see the distinction of "Jew nor Gentile" as a breaking down of the authority gap and not "man nor women."

It is true that groups work best when one person is given authority and I do think it is plausible that God assigned a specific type of person to that position. A common misconception about egalitarianism I've encountered is that women want to either lead over men or co-lead and make joint decisions. I do consider having a leader designated beneficial.

To say that only one view or the other is biblical is condescending. Both sides demonstrate high regard for scripture in their reasoning and both readings of scripture are in part hindered by the readers' bias. Nothing that I said is definitive proof--but it is sound reasoning grounded by biblical support.

I am open to conversations about this, but not arguments-- and not over the internet.

Further reading:

Keener, Craig S. "Was Paul for or Against Women in Ministry?" Enrichment Journal. The General Council of Assemblies of God, 2015. Web. 4 Dec. 2015. <http://enrichmentjournal.ag.org/200102/082_paul.cfm>.

Richards, E. Randolph, and Brandon J. O'Brien. Misreading Scripture with Western Eyes: Removing Cultural Blinders to Better Understand the Bible. Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 2012. Print.

Waves and Opinions

"This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God." James 1:19-20

During the past 3 years I've alternated between hiding my opinion and loudly declaring it. From where I'm standing now, the latter seems to be favored but destructive. Sharing opinions is so obviously necessary-so how can it lead to so much pain?

This summer I experienced ocean waves for the first time--or at least ones that were big enough to surf on. I tried real surfing a few times, but when it was clear that I wasn't getting anywhere with it, I began body surfing instead. Turns out I enjoyed body surfing a lot better. Being completely overtaken by a huge wave was the most thrilling experience.

I always thought body surfing was just jumping into a wave, but it's actually not. You have to watch the forming wave, figure out where it's going to peak, and meet it at it's speed. If you catch it too early, you'll only plunge forward for a second. If you catch it too late, you might be slammed into the ground. If you catch it at the right time, you'll ride till the wave ends. Practically no skill is needed for this-our only job is to know when to jump in.

We don't control when the wave comes, how far out it forms, or how large it is. The ocean has all the control--we're just trying to align ourselves with it.

Sometimes, even beautiful words, if spoken at the wrong time, accomplish nothing. Watch and enjoy the ocean, pay attention to the waves, and when the time comes, don't miss your chance to surf.

Change

"The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

I have this great friend that once told me that he doesn't miss people. This was really surprising, because he had been away from his home for over two years.

I responded with something like, "What?! Not even your parents? Are you not close to them?" He then explained to me that missing them had nothing to do with how much he cared about them, he's just usually distracted and not thinking about them.

I have a very difficult time handling separation from my friends, so when he told me this I assumed him to be a super-human that experienced life differently. After chewing on his words for a bit, I realized he just happened to me more self aware than me.

My idea of love came with the implication that separation from friends meant missing them. I thought if I didn't miss a person, I didn't love them very much. I thought if I was completely content without them, I didn't love them very much. I thought that if enough time passed without me missing them, that would mean they aren't as special to me.

So I'm currently living in Lewis Hall with a whole lot of new people, while all of the people I once saw and hung out with everyday are living in apartments and off campus. I've been missing people and crying--but the real reason isn't because I just love them so much that I can't live without them, it's because I'm trying to hold onto the gifts God gave me before out of a fear that what He's giving me now won't be as great.

I do wish that I could keep all my friends in my life forever, and it is sad that they are gone-- but their absence in my life now does not make their presence in my past any less beautiful. I will always love them. If I try to love by holding on too tight, then I'll miss out on the love I have for these new people.

And there is one consistency in my life. Change keeps me aware of my need for God-for that reason alone I consider it beautiful.

"Truly I say to you, this generation will not pass away until all these things take place. Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will not pass away." Matthew 24:34-35

Life is Meaningless and That's Okay!

You know, we're all just going to die. In fact, we can't even handle knowing that, so you probably don't know. Literally all of us do all things to avoid awareness of death.

"The wise man's eyes are in his head, but the fool walks in darkness. And yet I know that one fate befalls them both." Ecclesiastes 2:14

One time I learned that life was meaningless in Philosophy class, and it was actually really freeing. You wouldn't think it'd be, but it was. It took the weight off of me. I had been trying so hard to be important, but when I decided there was no point to that, I was free.

We think being needed or having a goal is fulfilling, but it's actually not. We complete goals just to get new goals. Especially goals like becoming a godly person. Well we can, but why? So that we can get a reward? No, Jesus already gave us that. So that we can be happy? No, that's not what being godly will get us. So that we can save others? No, God doesn't need our help with that. We literally aren't needed. The things we do don't matter. There is no need to do the things we are doing.

Don't freak out, just go with it!

This is hard for us to understand because we don't understand intrinsic value. Consumer culture has taught us that things are only worth something if we can get something out of it- happiness, money, wisdom. I don't even know if we can comprehend something just being valuable. We've commodified God, (Shout out to Skye Jethani for writing a book on this) AND ourselves. We think we're only worth something if something comes from us.

You know what HAS intrinsic value? Life! God! Love! Let's be happy not because we can get something out of them, let's just be happy they exist. Life being pointless makes it more beautiful. We don't NEED to exist- but we get to. God doesn't NEED us, but He made us. We don't HAVE to become godly-but we want to. Just like the son that "helps" his mom make cookies--we're having fun, enjoying life with God. Even though He doesn't need our help, it's still great- because it's valuable as is.

Nothing is even about us. Everything is from God, about God, and for God. The best part of embracing that the things we do are cyclical and unnecessary is that we let go of ourselves- our need to perform and impress and succeed. No expectations, just do what you do and enjoy the stories you see and the people you meet. Nothing needs to come from it.

"There is nothing better for a man than to eat and drink and tell himself that his labor is good. This also I have seen that it is from the hand of God. For who can eat and who can have enjoyment without Him?" Ecclesiastes 2:24

I Was So in Love With a Shirt

"More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ." Philippians 3:8

I just spent a week at camp. Although I was technically a guest counselor, I felt like a camper most of the time. Everything and everyone was new and exciting to me, I did everything with the campers, and until I clarified, everyone thought I was a camper anyway. I went to staff meetings, but luckily I had a co-counselor who had done all of this 4 weeks in a row and didn't actually need my help.

First of all--how ridiculously lucky am I? I love camp, and when I graduated High School I thought it was the last time I'd get to experience camp that way. I love spending time with my students, and this was one of those weeks where my job felt like a vacation, because it literally was.

Anyway, I've been having a lot of thoughts about consumer culture this past year. Once we dissected it and mapped it out in class, I saw it everywhere, especially in myself, and it was sickening. Being a shopoholic is a real thing. Spell check doesn't think it is, but it's real.

This was the first camp that I've ever been to where students brought money to buy things. There were snacks, crafts, souvenirs, and special activities that you could purchase. Being at camp, a place where I usually don't have the option to shop, brought this consumeristic mindset of mine to light. I was appalled with myself.

At one point, I was waiting in line for ice cream, and the line was taking forever. I wasn't even in line with a student, so I was just totally wasting precious bonding time for something that literally was only going to bring joy for 1 minute and then weigh me down. I kept thinking, "man, I should just leave the line," but I also kept thinking, "No, you've waited this long." It's similar to the way I react toward becoming a minimalist. "You don't need this stuff!" "But I've spent so much money on it!"

So I ended up staying in line because I'm weak. I told myself it was no big deal, but If I can't give up ice cream then how can I give up anything else? When I got to the front of the line, the weirdest thing happened-- my card just wouldn't work. It was kinda like a freaky slap on the face from God, especially since it worked on that machine before and after this incident. The workers paid for me using their tip, which I took as God saying, "Don't worry, you're weak, but I've got ya."

Right after that I went to the book store with my campers, and I really wanted to buy things. I shouldn't even try my card again, because God might have been using the ice cream moment to say, "You were right, I do want you to try minimalism." But I ended up buying a very expensive sticker and a shirt. I honestly felt guilty, and the thought of giving it up crossed my mind but I wanted it so much that I didn't do it.

Isn't that sick? I was so in love with a shirt.

So the next day we went back, and one of my campers really wanted that shirt, and there were no more smalls left. So I gave mine to her, and felt relief. Honestly, I still wanted the shirt, but she was really excited about it and so that made it easier. Just when I thought I had let God down and that my selfishness had won the battle, He opened another door.

I know it's just a shirt, but this is sorta a big deal. I decided to ACTUALLY become a minimalist. I'm committing. I don't know how long it will take, but it's happening. In that moment I knew, this is who I am becoming. (Shout out to anyone from camp that understands the reference.)

The truth is, we can't actually HAVE anything. Owning that shirt won't make me love it more. Why do we feel like we need to buy the things we love? Sure I could wear it, but I wouldn't actually have it, and I wouldn't love it any more. In fact, true love doesn't possess, it lets go.

Why do we have so much stuff? Why do we feel like we have to take pictures of everything? Why do we feel like we have to share these pictures online with everyone? We do all sorts of things to make us feel like we can grab, control, take, keep, have or love something. The truth is we can't. Think about it. I can't actually hold onto the beauty of creativity, or sunsets, or wisdom-- I'm just getting a taste of it. The really beauty is Jesus, and one day I get to ACTUALLY have Him, completely.

"And He said tot hem, "Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions." Luke 12:15