Striving After Wind

"I have seen all the works which have been done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and striving after wind." Ecclesiastes 1:14

 I once went a weekend without talking. At first it was a little bit for fun, a little bit for my raspy voice, and a little bit because I was feeling awkward and unable to communicate anyway. But it eventually became a window to reality. At some point God poked me and said, "actually this was all my plan," through a few comments and circumstances. So really, I don't even get credit for choosing to do this.

Anyway, I can't even remember all the things I learned that weekend. Usually when we're speaking our mind is fixated on ourselves somehow, (on what we want, on how people see us, on our observations...etc.) and without speaking my attention was up for grabs.

I remember feeling out of control. I remember feeling relief from my constant need to perform. I remember listening longer and deeper than ever before. I also learned of my insignificance- which sounds awful, but it's actually not.

I had a little board to write things on, but it could only work for short, essential things. I couldn't give any actual input into a conversation. After a while, I started to realize that my input wasn't needed. Someone always said what I was going to say. Sometimes right away, sometimes after a while. Truth is, my words weren't really needed.

"That which has been is that which will be, And that which has been done is that which will be done. So there is nothing new under the sun." Eclessiastes 1:9

The truth just... exists. We aren't creating it or untangling it when we speak of it, we are observing it. It was the same before I spoke and will be the same after I speak. How much I understand it does not effect my significance. It's there for anyone to see at anytime. With or without me, people can and will find it. The truth does what it wants and doesn't need my help.

I gain nothing from understanding it. In fact, sometimes it becomes burdensome.

But I love the truth, so I think I'll chase it anyway.