Life is Meaningless and That's Okay!

You know, we're all just going to die. In fact, we can't even handle knowing that, so you probably don't know. Literally all of us do all things to avoid awareness of death.

"The wise man's eyes are in his head, but the fool walks in darkness. And yet I know that one fate befalls them both." Ecclesiastes 2:14

One time I learned that life was meaningless in Philosophy class, and it was actually really freeing. You wouldn't think it'd be, but it was. It took the weight off of me. I had been trying so hard to be important, but when I decided there was no point to that, I was free.

We think being needed or having a goal is fulfilling, but it's actually not. We complete goals just to get new goals. Especially goals like becoming a godly person. Well we can, but why? So that we can get a reward? No, Jesus already gave us that. So that we can be happy? No, that's not what being godly will get us. So that we can save others? No, God doesn't need our help with that. We literally aren't needed. The things we do don't matter. There is no need to do the things we are doing.

Don't freak out, just go with it!

This is hard for us to understand because we don't understand intrinsic value. Consumer culture has taught us that things are only worth something if we can get something out of it- happiness, money, wisdom. I don't even know if we can comprehend something just being valuable. We've commodified God, (Shout out to Skye Jethani for writing a book on this) AND ourselves. We think we're only worth something if something comes from us.

You know what HAS intrinsic value? Life! God! Love! Let's be happy not because we can get something out of them, let's just be happy they exist. Life being pointless makes it more beautiful. We don't NEED to exist- but we get to. God doesn't NEED us, but He made us. We don't HAVE to become godly-but we want to. Just like the son that "helps" his mom make cookies--we're having fun, enjoying life with God. Even though He doesn't need our help, it's still great- because it's valuable as is.

Nothing is even about us. Everything is from God, about God, and for God. The best part of embracing that the things we do are cyclical and unnecessary is that we let go of ourselves- our need to perform and impress and succeed. No expectations, just do what you do and enjoy the stories you see and the people you meet. Nothing needs to come from it.

"There is nothing better for a man than to eat and drink and tell himself that his labor is good. This also I have seen that it is from the hand of God. For who can eat and who can have enjoyment without Him?" Ecclesiastes 2:24

I Was So in Love With a Shirt

"More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ." Philippians 3:8

I just spent a week at camp. Although I was technically a guest counselor, I felt like a camper most of the time. Everything and everyone was new and exciting to me, I did everything with the campers, and until I clarified, everyone thought I was a camper anyway. I went to staff meetings, but luckily I had a co-counselor who had done all of this 4 weeks in a row and didn't actually need my help.

First of all--how ridiculously lucky am I? I love camp, and when I graduated High School I thought it was the last time I'd get to experience camp that way. I love spending time with my students, and this was one of those weeks where my job felt like a vacation, because it literally was.

Anyway, I've been having a lot of thoughts about consumer culture this past year. Once we dissected it and mapped it out in class, I saw it everywhere, especially in myself, and it was sickening. Being a shopoholic is a real thing. Spell check doesn't think it is, but it's real.

This was the first camp that I've ever been to where students brought money to buy things. There were snacks, crafts, souvenirs, and special activities that you could purchase. Being at camp, a place where I usually don't have the option to shop, brought this consumeristic mindset of mine to light. I was appalled with myself.

At one point, I was waiting in line for ice cream, and the line was taking forever. I wasn't even in line with a student, so I was just totally wasting precious bonding time for something that literally was only going to bring joy for 1 minute and then weigh me down. I kept thinking, "man, I should just leave the line," but I also kept thinking, "No, you've waited this long." It's similar to the way I react toward becoming a minimalist. "You don't need this stuff!" "But I've spent so much money on it!"

So I ended up staying in line because I'm weak. I told myself it was no big deal, but If I can't give up ice cream then how can I give up anything else? When I got to the front of the line, the weirdest thing happened-- my card just wouldn't work. It was kinda like a freaky slap on the face from God, especially since it worked on that machine before and after this incident. The workers paid for me using their tip, which I took as God saying, "Don't worry, you're weak, but I've got ya."

Right after that I went to the book store with my campers, and I really wanted to buy things. I shouldn't even try my card again, because God might have been using the ice cream moment to say, "You were right, I do want you to try minimalism." But I ended up buying a very expensive sticker and a shirt. I honestly felt guilty, and the thought of giving it up crossed my mind but I wanted it so much that I didn't do it.

Isn't that sick? I was so in love with a shirt.

So the next day we went back, and one of my campers really wanted that shirt, and there were no more smalls left. So I gave mine to her, and felt relief. Honestly, I still wanted the shirt, but she was really excited about it and so that made it easier. Just when I thought I had let God down and that my selfishness had won the battle, He opened another door.

I know it's just a shirt, but this is sorta a big deal. I decided to ACTUALLY become a minimalist. I'm committing. I don't know how long it will take, but it's happening. In that moment I knew, this is who I am becoming. (Shout out to anyone from camp that understands the reference.)

The truth is, we can't actually HAVE anything. Owning that shirt won't make me love it more. Why do we feel like we need to buy the things we love? Sure I could wear it, but I wouldn't actually have it, and I wouldn't love it any more. In fact, true love doesn't possess, it lets go.

Why do we have so much stuff? Why do we feel like we have to take pictures of everything? Why do we feel like we have to share these pictures online with everyone? We do all sorts of things to make us feel like we can grab, control, take, keep, have or love something. The truth is we can't. Think about it. I can't actually hold onto the beauty of creativity, or sunsets, or wisdom-- I'm just getting a taste of it. The really beauty is Jesus, and one day I get to ACTUALLY have Him, completely.

"And He said tot hem, "Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions." Luke 12:15

Offended

"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;" Philippians 2:3

"THERE ARE SO MANY LANES! THERE ARE SO MANY CARS!"
My first time driving in California was terrifying.
"THERE ISN'T ROOM TO SWITCH LANES! WHAT IF HE HITS ME?!"
I was stuck on a highway that I shouldn't have ended up on, and I had to switch lanes in rush hour traffic. I couldn't hear the GPS, the gas pedal on the car was weird, and I had never drove in a big city before. My poor co-intern, who was accompanying me on this horrendous ride, understood the problem.
"You have to trust that everyone else knows what they're doing."
"I AM GOING TO DIE"

I didn't die. That one thing he said ended up being really sound advice. The only reason I was so awful at driving in the city was because I was paranoid. While it is good of me to carefully watch others, I can't watch everywhere. At some point, I have to assume that others know what they are doing. I can't control the entire Highway.

Turns out I learned something other than how to drive in busy traffic through my friend's words.

I was thinking about how much commotion there has been over words like "offended," and about all the ironic posts that are basically about being offended by people being offended. What is all of this?

In ministry, I'm going to have to take a lot of hits- some that I deserve, some that I don't think I deserve, some that I don't think I deserve but do--I know not just because my leaders have told me, but because I've already taken some hard hits.... and not everyone is going to respond to my apologies with the forgiveness and humility I expect either. There will be no glory!

I'm going to have to listen and yield to a lot of people who decide that I'm doing things wrong. If they are upset, I'm going to have to believe them: that they are hurt. It'll be hard to keep the focus off of me ("I wasn't wrong! You misunderstood! This isn't a big deal!"). It's like I always had to tell my campers:

"What's more important than your intentions, is that another person was hurt. Our job is to make sure they know they are loved."

And when I say that I hear my campers (and my facebook friends) say, "but they are just going to complain about everything" "They won't be sorry!" "It wasn't even a big deal!"

Just like when I'm driving-- I think in order to keep love going, I'm going to have to assume that they know what they're doing. I'm going to have to assume that when they say they are hurt, they were really hurt. I'm going to have to assume that they have a point- so that if they actually do I won't miss it because I'm focused on the fact that I didn't intentionally hurt anyone.

It won't mean I did something wrong (though sometimes it will). It won't mean I HAVE to do things differently.
It might mean there was a miscommunication. It might mean I VOLUNTARILY do something differently or CHOOSE to do some things out of sight-because I care more about someone being hurt than I do about my life. And yes, there would be some exceptions...

But the thing is- if you really respect or love a person, why would you NOT sacrifice a little of yourself for their comfort? If you respect a person, why would you assume that they are overreacting? I don't know about you, but when I think about the people I really respect, I assume them to be smarter than me, and if they were upset about something, I would EXPECT it to be for good reason.

ALSO WHY WOULD YOU ASSUME TOTAL SOCIETAL FAILURE BECAUSE OF A CHANGE OR OPINION?!?!

Sorry.... lost my cool

Truthfully, for me to do the Lord's work, especially in student ministry, I'm going to HAVE to learn this lesson. I better just throw my need for a good reputation out the window right now. And you can totally disagree (and I will respectfully assume you to have a good point), but I think Christians on all sides of all debates should be assuming that when someone is upset, they know what they're doing.

You have to assume people know what they're doing.

On the bright side, a lot of times doing this softens their hearts, and they'll treat you with the same sort of love and respect- maybe see something they might have done wrong, or try to understand you a little better. It should never be EXPECTED... but there's a better chance of this happening if you yield than if you declare that they're overreacting.



Goodnight. ~Spairnak

Striving After Wind

"I have seen all the works which have been done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and striving after wind." Ecclesiastes 1:14

 I once went a weekend without talking. At first it was a little bit for fun, a little bit for my raspy voice, and a little bit because I was feeling awkward and unable to communicate anyway. But it eventually became a window to reality. At some point God poked me and said, "actually this was all my plan," through a few comments and circumstances. So really, I don't even get credit for choosing to do this.

Anyway, I can't even remember all the things I learned that weekend. Usually when we're speaking our mind is fixated on ourselves somehow, (on what we want, on how people see us, on our observations...etc.) and without speaking my attention was up for grabs.

I remember feeling out of control. I remember feeling relief from my constant need to perform. I remember listening longer and deeper than ever before. I also learned of my insignificance- which sounds awful, but it's actually not.

I had a little board to write things on, but it could only work for short, essential things. I couldn't give any actual input into a conversation. After a while, I started to realize that my input wasn't needed. Someone always said what I was going to say. Sometimes right away, sometimes after a while. Truth is, my words weren't really needed.

"That which has been is that which will be, And that which has been done is that which will be done. So there is nothing new under the sun." Eclessiastes 1:9

The truth just... exists. We aren't creating it or untangling it when we speak of it, we are observing it. It was the same before I spoke and will be the same after I speak. How much I understand it does not effect my significance. It's there for anyone to see at anytime. With or without me, people can and will find it. The truth does what it wants and doesn't need my help.

I gain nothing from understanding it. In fact, sometimes it becomes burdensome.

But I love the truth, so I think I'll chase it anyway.