Minimal pursuit

I am such a fan of minimalism, simplicity, Marie Kondo etc. I 100% believe that there is freedom in having less— that you can enjoy the things you have to their fullest when your focus is not divided.

This is all coming from my typing on a brand new iPad, in a new sweater that I spent way too much on Yesterday.

Growing up our house was filled to the brim with stuff that we didn’t pay any attention to. I remember getting Christmas presents that would be exciting for a few weeks, until something new came along. We weren’t quite what you see on hoarders— but in habit we were pretty similar.

Then came the summer I went to CA for an internship. I only brought with me what could fit in my one checked bag because I didn’t want to pay for a second. This included only my favorite articles of clothing, my ukulele, and a few books I wanted to read.

The contrast was clear to me. I completely forgot about all my other belongings- I actually read the few books I had & played my ukulele. I felt less stressed and happier.

Of course, my situation was temporary and mandated a small amount of belongings. Two times since I’ve give away Large amounts of my belongings, in hopes of achieving that same level of freedom. Leaving from college I got rid of 1/3 of my stuff. Leaving Tampa I got rid of 4/5 of my belongings until it could all fit into my car.

But it didn’t stick. I now own just as much clothing as I owned before, just as much furniture, just as much Christmas decorations.

It is fascinating and annoying to me how I can love shopping and minimalism so much at the same time. Mark my words, friends— I will get there. How do I know?

Because I keep coming back to it, and I know what it feels like to be free of clutter. It’s part of me now.

This doesn’t necessarily mean I will live in a tiny house (Though I still totally want to) or that I won’t ever buy things: It means one day I’ll have just what brings me joy, and I’ll feel able to love something without compulsion to own it.

I will, however, still want to go window shopping with you so please invite me to the mall.

Ouch

A few days ago I tried to carry a TV stand into my house. I dropped it on my foot.

I am proud of the independence I've gained by living and moving alone. It is good and right of me to celebrate my independence. But I have not actually moved alone. Behind every step in the moving process was someone assisting me: financially, emotionally, physically...

I called my mom, sister, and best friend everyday. Families in the church helped run my yard sale. My new employer found me temporary housing. A coworker transported my bed to my apartment. My family gave me money to help with the move.

I feel grateful but, at times, guilty. Whether it comes from the criticism I see given to those who struggle to take care of themselves or from my own desire to prove myself worthy and capable-- or both-- I experience guilt.

A few days ago I tried to carry a TV stand into my house. I thought about how much help I had in every step of the moving process. I thought what if I didn't have their help? What if one day I don't have anyone's help? and then I tried to pick it up by myself.

It fell onto my foot.

A man nearby was walking his dog with his kid. He saw me and offered to help. I was in too much pain to be stubborn. With his help, the TV stand is now in my apartment.

So I owe the success of my move to my family, friends, community, new-co workers, and now to a stranger.

No matter how stable I become financially, emotionally, or physically-- I'll probably encounter a "TV stand" that I cannot lift on my own. That's true about all of us- family or not.

This season of change is a reminder of what has always been true. We need each other.

Chess and Failed Plans

I’ve taught two or three middle schooler’s chess now. Usually their second or third game is their worst game.

After they learn how to play, they eagerly develop a plan or two. Without a lot of experience playing chess, the plan seem solid. Not until the game actually begins do they realize their plan was built on assumptions about what their opponent would do and what they could do. They look for a way to accomplish their plan, and miss what’s happening on the board.

Then I crush ‘em.

Every game is different. You have to craft your strategy as the game unfolds.

I graduated college with a lot of plans, but I learned that my plans, and all plans have an assumed context. When I plan a lesson I forecast students’ interests, needs, prior knowledge, focus…. 

Mindfulness of those elements is important and the longer I am with a group the better my forecasts… but as life unfolds, the world, the students, and the context all change.

I change, too.

Trial and error has been a big part of my post-graduation life. Sometimes well-developed plans fall flat and impromptu decisions carry great impact. I do not intend to stop planning, I just want to pay attention to what is happening around me.

Lately, this has been through contemplative prayer. When I sit still, I begin to recognize God’s presence and His work in the people and places around me. It feels a bit like playing chess— my next move is better when I’m connected to the one who made the game.

"[Mary] sat at the Lord's feet listening to what He said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to Him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed-or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:39b-42 NIV

My Adulthood Victories

I often picked fun at myself for "adulting fails" last year- because, let's face it, they were funny. Sometimes laughing at yourself is helpful. Looking back, I see that laughing at myself helped me own something that I would have otherwise been insecure about.

After a while, I stopped laughing and the insecurity surfaced.

I then realized that I am an adult and I want to know what I am doing.

So this year- as I began a new job and got a fresh start, I decided to start celebrating my "adulthood victories." I started making a list.

Then I lost the list.

(I'm still working on my "keeping track of stuff" victory)

Here are the victories that I can remember off the top of my head.

1. Understanding taxes

This year I owed a scary large amount after doing my taxes- which caught me by surprise because the year prior I got a very large tax return. It was a set back that took away most of my savings, but it did result in me understanding taxes pretty thoroughly.

2. Investing in stock

I own 4 shares of stock! Shout out to Kelly for teaching me about it. I'm not sure how long I'll keep them or if I'll make money but honestly it just feels cool to own stock.

3. Amending my tax return

Unlike many people my age- I've had to have my own health insurance from the time I moved to Florida. I don't know how to explain this whole situation in a few sentences so let's just say this: Lots of money down the drain, 2 day panic and paperwork, my roommate saw my true colors pretty early during our time together.

4. Learning to cook gravy

Gravy is not the only thing I learned how to cook but it is the hardest thing I've learned how to cook and the most important thing to me. Gravy is the most important thing to me. I consider myself an above average cook now- which is a BIG step up from last year.

5. Meal Prepping

I'm still not GREAT at this, but I've wasted WAY less food this year than last year. I check expiration dates and buy just what I need.

6. Taking care of actual plants

This is mostly my roommate actually but I have helped and still want it to be on my list. I will say that one of the plants is my very own and it's been successfully growing for a month now.

7. Understanding credit card/credit scores

I don't consider myself a super responsible spender- but I am proud to say I've never bought more on my credit card than I could actually afford.

8. Budgeting

I made an amazing google spread sheet that I am very proud about and have an app that keeps track of my spending. I could do a better job following my budget but I am proud that I'm at least mindful of my expenses.

9. Finding a counselor and doctor that I like.

This is a victory for SO many reasons.

10. Casual dating

I didn't actually enjoy the casual dating experience- but it's something I've always wanted to do and I did it. Plus, it resulted in me learning a lot about myself.

11. Driving in the city

Growing up we rarely drove in a city and when we did it was a tense, stressful situation for everyone in the vehicle. Every time I drive on the highway I can feel the same rush of excitement my younger self felt when we were in a city. "I've made it mom," I say.

12. Cleaning

It's not that I didn't clean before- it's that I was awful at it. I didn't even know it was something you could be bad at! Now I'd say I'm pretty good at it.

13. Friends my own age

It feels so good to relate to people again.

Most of these victories were born out of crisis. I'm trying to remember that when I encounter crisis.

~Jean

Not the Airport Olympics

My first ride on an airplane was 2 years and 6 months ago.

“Your first flight ever?!” my classmates said, shocked to learn about my then flight-less life. I was surprised by their surprise— I hadn’t realized it was unusual. Our family vacations were few and only a short drive away. Escalators fascinated me— my world was very small. Occasionally my friends would travel far, but not often. I stayed in Pennsylvania.

Flying was a little bit of a dream come true for me. When I was young I was fascinated with planes and helicopters. I distinctly remember this silver toy plane that looked so real, that I “flew” often, and a cartoon show with talking airplanes that I loved. I hoped to ride in a plane eventually, but had no idea when I would. When I signed up for this trip I called my mom to tell her. She was excited with me.

I’m in the airport now, realizing how different this flight is from my first. I remember being anxious and excited. I was confused by all the signs and rules. Security check overwhelmed me. This was exasperated by everyone else’s calmness. There seemed to be a million things that could go wrong. I kept forgetting things. I was nervous about leaving the gate area (I set like 6 alarms to remind me of boarding time). I reviewed my checklist maybe 100 times.

Right now I am at the the Boston airport— where I took my first flight— now returning from my 11th roundtrip since that first flight. Check in was easy. Security check felt fast. I walked all the way around the airport to find a nice place to sit and type this. I didn’t set an alarm (let alone 6) for my boarding time. I did not take 30 snapchat pictures with Logan Airport’s geotag. This is familiar to me now.

This is my new normal.

It’s a small, but nice mark of growth and independence for me— accompanied by and parallel to many other, beautiful marks of growth from my transition into adulthood.

Irmagerd

This is what I thought about as I evacuated Irma.

When I didn't have what I felt I needed, I was at my worst. I was angry and selfish in my thoughts and actions.

When I had what I felt I needed, I was at my best. I was compassionate and generous toward my fellow humans.

It seems to be a pattern of humans, seen most clearly during disasters.

During Irma we struggled to find tangible, material needs like water, food, shelter, and gas.

The rest of the time, I watch this pattern play out emotionally.

I watch people who are loved, love more freely.

I watch people who are hurt, love with reserve.

I see youth with a history of hurt, understandably battle a habit of of distrust and defense. People do not understand the reasons, and they withhold compassion and continue the cycle.

I see youth with consistent, loving mentors believe in themselves and listen well. They learn and thrive and easily receive the love they need to learn and thrive more.

We are all so dependent on one another, more than we know.

I am so thankful for all the people in my life who have showered me with a love so strong that it reaches from the north to South Tampa. You broke a bad cycle, and I'm ready to do the same for others.

My Adulthood Fails

Holy Moly!

It has been one year since I moved into my first apartment!

Which means I survived an entire year of "adulting."

I am so proud of myself for going on this terrifying, expensive, confusing, lonely adventure alone.

Also, I am so glad the first year is over.

To celebrate, I've decided to laugh at myself. Join me as I reminisce on my adulthood fails.

• For a week, my milk was thick and my meat tasted weird, even though they were not near expiring. I just assumed I was paranoid and this was normal. Turns out my fridge was on it's lowest setting so I had been low-key food poisoning myself all week.

• I live on the second floor and park far from my apartment, so when possible I try bringing my groceries in one trip. One time I had just barely too much for one trip, but I attempted it anyway. I spent so long strategically rearranging the groceries that it would've taken less time to take two trips-- also I broke 5 eggs.

• The first time I tried frying food, I thought the oil was supposed to boil. It ended up evaporating, setting off the fire alarm, and getting in my eyes. I had to open the window and stop the fire alarm all while barely being able to open my eyes from the painful fumes.

• Some weeks I would only be home for a short amount of time, making it hard to buy groceries and cook. At one point I went an entire week with barely any food in my apartment. I lived off of granola bars and lunchables.

• Through a ridiculous 3 hour phone call, during which I was practically brainwashed and hypnotized, I somehow was conned into paying for a probably-sketchy 2 night cruise for me and a not-yet identified guest. After I realized how crazy this was, I called to get my money back. They didn't put up a fight and I attribute that to the fact that I told the customer service lady that I, too, was recording the conversation.

• I bought my first bottle of wine without realizing that I did not have a corkscrew. My friend mentioned that some people use a screw and a hammer to open the bottle. So I put a screw in, but I didn't have a hammer so I improvised with a can opener. while trying to pull it out, the cork broke and the can opener smacked me in the mouth. I had a bloody, bruised lip.

• I, for some reason, have still not bought a tape measure or yard stick. When I need to measure something, I compare it to the length of my own body by laying down next to it.

• I improvised while cooking a breakfast casserole, putting some bread that would soon expire in the bottom. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted, but it took so much time, effort, and so many ingredients that I tried to force myself to eat it all week. I eventually gave up and threw it away.

• The first time I tried getting health insurance, the agent I spoke with signed me up for some sort of not-actually-insurance health club thing. I paid for this for like 3 months before learning that it wasn't actually health insurance.

• I have been mistaken as a middle schooler about 8 times and a high schooler too many times to count. One time I was mistaken as a middle schooler while actually sitting at the teacher's desk in a classroom.

I am so full of nostalgia.

I still cannot believe that I actually understand cooking, have my own insurance, my own furniture, my own CAT.

Now I've come full circle, because tomorrow I move, and begin a new job in a new county.

Abundant blessings and good vibes,

Jean

Taking a Walk

Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity. 1 Timothy 4:12 

Sometimes a short walk takes me a long while.

For me walking involves more than steps.

On most occasions, I have to defend my steps.

You might say, "Take your time!

Slow and steady will win the race"

and you'd be right.

You might say, "Quality over quantity!

Your walk will be better if you inspect each step"

and you'd be right.

You might say, "Better safe than sorry!

Careful steps will bring you to your destination"

and you'd be right.

So I can walk like this, justifying every step along the way.

But I do know how to walk.

I wonder how much farther I could go if they knew that.

xo,

Jeans

Vow of Silence

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteousness that God desires." James 1:19-20

There was a time when I considered the command for silence to be optional.
Loudly interrupting everything. Afraid of not being heard.
Anxious to speak. Afraid of missing my turn.
I was the kid who would not shut up.

Now I am the adult who will not shut up.

Although I am decently trained in the physical act of closing my mouth,
the same fear remains.

These past few months it has been painfully obvious that I need to shut up.

As I end the struggle to prove myself worthy,
I hope to find that it was never needed.

 Talk Listen to you later,

Jean

"Cease striving and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10a 

Living Well

Do you ever stop caring?

I do.

All my life, ministry has focused on learning.
New perspectives and inspiring stories.
Step by steps and life tips.

I experienced ministry in this way: as a learner or a teacher.

It is through education that I was discipled.
The idea that understanding and believing truth,
will inspire me to live well.
The idea that knowing and following certain steps,
will make this walk easier.

& they do.

 But even so, I sometimes stop caring.
My steps are the same but I head another direction.


Peter Rollins argues that people are not the object of our desire
in the way money and beauty are.
Our relationship with people is fundamentally different.

He says that relationships are the source of our desire.

Broken relationships,
whether real or perceived,
remove all passion from me.

I know and believe what I did before,
but it no longer matters to me.
I stop caring.

Looking back on my seasons of loneliness,
it was through gentle conversations,
with friends who listen,
that I found motivation to continue.

It is love that gives me reason to live well.

Love, Jean

Always an Experiment

"The Lord is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?"

Psalm 27:1

I am now 4 months into actual adulthood and I am so overwhelmed.

As my work-load increases it becomes harder to work. For me, and those like me, this is a familiar pattern.

In fact, the enneagram test is what brought my attention to this pattern. I am a 7, which means I like to put a lot on my plate but I become lazy when I am stressed. Click here if you want to learn more about that.

My lack of motivation arises from fear.
I want to be accomplished and recognized.
When I near completing something I begin to fear that I will fail--and be seen as a failure.
So I avoid finishing the jobs I start-- to delay the failure.

I procrastinate and the reason is fear of failure.

The domino effect of revelations this information brought were ridiculous and so helpful.

Especially when paired with this piece of advice I received from my college advisor while discussing my new job as Youth Director of a church.

"Present everything as an experiment, because experiments don't fail."

If you have promised results that do not come, respect and trust are lost.

When I think of the task I was given--to build a ministry from the ground up in a place I had never been-- I realize that I need to present everything as an experiment because everything is an experiment.

I have never done this before and I am working with people who have never done this before. That alone makes this an experiment--but I am reminded of that in all my daily tasks.

What I forget is that people cannot be controlled. People are the variable.

We can and should learn about people, study demographics and ministry models-- but there is never an 100% guarantee that what we do will grow the church because there is no magic human formula. We are dynamic, like the one in whose image we are made. We make choices, grow and change.

Our responsibility is to create the space, organize and love, but the outcome is not our responsibility. The outcome is not in our control, no matter how well we do our job.

When I remember that I can't control the outcome a weight is lifted from my shoulders-the weight that comes from pride, the need to succeed and the fear of failure.

This is and always will be an experiment.

If in 5 years our church has 500 members, our work will still be an experiment...

If I plan a lesson for teenagers that I've known for a years, it will still be an experiment...

If we advertise using a strategic marketing plan, it will still be an experiment...

...and experiments do not fail.

So why should I be afraid?

I do not control the results but my work is done for the One who does.

It is this truth that calms my restless, worried thoughts, and gives me the courage to continue.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30

Niñia

My friendly greeting was met by a blank stare. I spoke anyway, but I was not sure if she understood.

"You teach Sara Bisaya!" My cousin suggested to Niñia, her 8 year old niece. I concured with an eager nod, but Niña did not budge. "She's shy" my cousin assured me.

When I first came to the Philippines, I wasn't sure how I would build relationships. I knew people understood English and most spoke it a little, but I figured without the ability to freely communicate, knowing a person would be difficult. I love kids and I'm not close to any of my young relatives, so I really wanted to talk to her, but Niñia was young and less experienced in speaking English.

In the days following, I waved and greeted her when she passed me in the house. She would smile but not respond. Sometimes I would stop and tell her a story about my day. I would ask her if she understands. She would smile but not respond. A few times I told her that I wish we could communicate.

About four days into my trip, I was still recovering from jet lag. My alarm woke me from a nap, but I wasn't done sleeping so I hit snooze. As I laid my head down to continue my nap, I heard the door creek open. Niñia and her brother, Lawrence's, heads were peaking into the room. It was funny to me so I laughed and gestured for them to come in.

They came sat on the bed. Niñia handed me a picture of my family from 2002. I smiled, pointed to my face, and told her that was me when I was her age. She took a big breath as if she was about to speak, but then turned to her brother and laughed. "Is this your picture?" I asked, She noded and took another big breath.

"You... hahve...ahn...uncle." She said very slowly. "yeah!" I responded, excited to hear her speak. She turned to her brother, whispered something and laughed again. Then she turned around, with her whole hand, wiped the hair from her face and took another deep breath. "You have ahn uncle... in.... the Canada," She said, pointing out the window.

I don't remember our whole conversation- but I do remember laughing a lot. After she taught me about my family and asked me questions about my family, she began teaching me Bisaya. I think maybe her and her brother had been practicing right before they came into my room-- practicing English so they could talk to me and teach me Bisaya like my cousin suggested the first day we met, when I was not sure if she understood.

Since that conversation, Niñia has visited my room so many times. She has taught me bisaya, tagalog songs, showed me videos on youtube, done my make up, and asked me so many questions. She's no longer hesitant to come and hug me--we are friends.

Sometimes I can't understand her and sometimes she can't understand me, but the language barrier has not stopped us from knowing each other. I know that Niñia really loves to sing. I can tell that she's adventurous and brave. She has a lot of ideas that she enjoys organizing them. She's assertive, likes structure, and she's curious about everything.

We have to play charades sometimes--we dance around the English words she does not know. She doesn't seem to mind though. Out of all the Filipinos I've met-- she had the least English skills. Even so, I think we know each other well. One day I hope I can explain how special her friendship is to me in Bisaya.

A Meaningful Meal

It’s late, but we have just arrived so we celebrate with food. The air is hot and so is the breeze. There are no clouds but there are lots of stars. The mall is loud and exciting and new. I feel disoriented but happy.

It is crowded so we must wait to be seated. While we wait, my aunt looks at a menu. I want to look to, but one was not given to me. This must be how they order.

We are seated, and there is still one menu. They ask what I would like and I do not know because I cannot see the menu. My aunt orders for me. This must be how they order.

My cousin asks for another menu and hands one to me. I choose quickly because I do not understand and I do not want to inconvenience anyone.

They bring scallops to the table without the other foods. Everyone takes some. This must be an appetizer.

They bring my dish out on a platter with a serving spoon. I put it on my plate but think it would be easier if they just put it on my plate. This must be how they serve food. My dad immediately takes a spoonful of my food. This must be how they share.

More food is brought to the table. They offer me all the food. I am new, this must be how they greet me. With hesitancy, I try everything. They try everything too. This must be how they share.

My aunt picks my dish up and tells me she will bring it to the other table, where my other relatives sit. She must think I am done. I take some more before letting the dish go. She brings it back. I am confused. She brings soup from the other table to our table and then I understand.

“So… here do you not order individual meals?” I ask my cousin. She explains. Here they order food for the whole table. Everyone eats from all the dishes. I like this style.

We exchange stories and ask questions. This is the most meaningful meal I've had with my father.

Today I Meet My Father

Today I meet my father.

I did not know him for 22 years. I knew his accent. I knew that he ate food weirdly. I knew that he was different, but I did not know him.

A few days ago, I explored the airport in Hong Kong. I was supposed to meet dad upstairs to eat. I could not find him, so I sat down. I hear someone cough. It sounds like my dad’s cough, so I turn around. It’s an older Chinese man. I begin to eat. Soon I hear someone laugh. It sounds like my dad, so I turn around. It’s not my dad. I continue to eat. I see a man with dark skin and a shirt like my dad’s. I begin to call to him, but realize he is not my dad.

But we were not in the Philippines yet.

I am in the mall with my cousin. My dad is at home and will not be with us until later. I hear someone speaking Bisaya. I think it is my dad but it is not. I hear someone greet a friend and it sounds familiar. It is also not my dad. My dad is not at the mall, and I know he is not, but I think every sound is him.

In the United States I hear a familiar cough from across the room, it is my dad. I am at the supermarket and I hear someone laugh. It is my dad. I recognize him without knowing he was at the store. Last week I was sitting with a cap and gown ready to graduate. Through the crowd of photographers I easily found my dad. He is the dark skinned man with the phone attached to his waist. I recognize him because he is different.

What was familiar to me is that my dad is not usual. That’s what made him familiar. Here, in the Philippines, he is no longer familiar. I do not recognize him by his accent because here he does not have one. I do not recognize him by his skin because here everyone has dark skin. I did not know my dad’s cough had an accent, but it must, because here I do not recognize it.

Today my father is no longer weird. He is no longer defined by how he is different from me. This place and these experiences have redefined my dad. Today I meet my father.

Reflections on a Crazy Year and Projections on a New One

2015 has topped 2012 and earned the title of "Jean's most exciting year."

*applause*

2015 brought me...

my first visit to another country.

my first hostel stay.

my first mission's trip.

my first existential crisis. (wohoo!)

my first real break up.

a heartfelt goodbye to many friends.

my first car.

my first time as a bridesmaid.

my first baseball game.

my first trip outside of my timezone.

my first time driving in a big city.

my first youth ministry job.

an amazing youth group.

amazing co-workers.
my first drive-in movie.

my first white water rafting trip.

love for Hugh Grant.

my first parking ticket.

my first surfing experience.

my first jump on a high dive.

my first attempt at water skiing. (and last)

a killer flip flop tan.

the beginning of my senior year.

a ginormous group of freshmen friends. (and Will)
my first jury duty.

another amazing youth group.

another amazing group of co-workers.

a new love of coffee.

a new love of sports.

a new group of REACHers.

my first speeding ticket.

a dog! (who is my sister's but I like him too)

a position as a writer.

I'm proud of myself because I've done a lot of much needed changing.

Between graduating, visiting the Philippines for the first time, and (hopefully) getting a job and an apartment, 2016 is probably going to be another big one. I'm starting to realize that what I really want is adventure. I might not be able to afford to having exotic over-seas adventures- especially not with the debt I'll have- but I love new experiences and the stories they create.

Change is getting scary. I've called a lot of places home now and sometimes I feel like I have no longer have a home at all. I don't know who will be in my life next year and who won't.

But despite the setbacks, I love the rush of change.

I don't remember my past New Year's resolutions. They must not have been very great. I'm going to try it again though, and this time keep it pretty simple.

Try New Things.

This world may be a battlefield, but it's also a playground.

I want to go find people, places, and art to love, and figure out new ways to love them.

10 Things About My Strange Childhood

Just know that the reason I am able to discuss these now is because they are 100% in my past and they no longer define me.

1. I tried to talk to people in my mind

Just to see if it worked. I would sit in class and say, "If you can hear me, tap three times on your desk." When they didn't do it, I would imagine them saying, "Oh, I forgot" or "I was afraid someone would wonder what I was doing."

2. I thought I was Abraham

After hearing the bible story where Abraham almost sacrificed his son, I would think I heard God telling me to sacrifice my stuffed animals for him. I'd go to rip one up, and then hear him say, "No wait! Now you don't have to!" This happened on numerous occasions.

3. I thought the words in books changed when you closed them

I would continuously shut books and then open them really fast to catch it happening.

4. I said the wrong answers in my head while taking tests in case anyone was cheating by reading my mind

Self explanatory.

5. I tried to talk to babies

I thought maybe the weird noises they made were actually a language they developed, so I would try to imitate it and imagine I was having a conversation with them.

6. I ate brown sugar

I wasn't allowed to, so I would just steal the jar from the cupboard and hide in the closet eating it.
Sorry you had to find out this way, mom.

7. Personify the raindrops on my window

I would imagine it as a war scene, assigning every movement and distinction a parallel meaning. For example-- if a raindrop absorbed another, it had killed the other. The smaller the raindrop the younger it was--ect.

8. I thought people were stealing my ideas

I would always have really cool ideas for TV shows and episodes, and then a few months later they would actually be created. So I imagined that producers had a way to read my thoughts and use my ideas.

9. I thought all of my life was an experiment

I actually learned about this in philosophy class- so maybe I was just a smart kid. I thought that maybe life was actually completely different, and I was just the object of an experiment that involved creating an alternate universe. Everyone around me was an actor placed in my life to trick me-- and since I thought people could read my mind I was afraid they'd find out that I knew.

10. Checked for secret messages in songs

I tried to decode potential secret cries for help in Hannah Montana songs just in case she was actually a slave to the media and was trying to escape.
Hey, if I was right, I bet I would've been the only one to find out.


Most of these things went on until I was about 12.

Things I Wish I had Said.

Over time, I've developed a list of things I wish I had said. Even without their context, I want to say them.

"Do you really want my opinion, or for me to affirm yours?"

"Did you hear my story, or just opportunities to invalidate it?"

"There are older, smarter, and wiser people who disagree."

"If you can't say it in front of me, is it truth or just disrespectful?"

"If you have to counter everything, you're speaking out of fear, not confidence."

"I don't think that's funny."

"People who were wrong were persecuted too."

"I don't think you love truth, I think you love knowing truth."

I don't want anyone to respond, but if you must: Take enough time to dwell on the words, so that you can feel the irony when you do.

Tata,

Jean

Women and Ministry

I did not ever intend for my blog to contain something of this nature, but I have grown increasingly frustrated and passionate about this topic.

To preface this: I am still a student, not an expert, and I acknowledge that, as a ministry student, I am personally invested in this topic. However, as a student who grew up in a complementarian church, my foundation was built upon the opposing position, and I feel that gives this argument some extra weight. As a female ministry student in her senior year, I have explored this topic in greater depth than the majority of those who would read my blog.

The complementarian viewpoint comes with one of two implications.
1. That women do not have the capacity to achieve the same or greater amount of wisdom or leadership ability as men.
2. That if a women has achieved a greater level of wisdom or leadership ability than the men in a her church, she should yield to a man with less wisdom or leadership ability.

The frequent expression, "Equality does not denote sameness" used as a clarifier for egalitarians is often a misconception of what egalitarian stand for. I don't think men and women are the same (though I personally think that is largely the result of social construction-but that doesn't effect my argument here), I think they both have unique gifts and personalities. One of the gifts that I do not believe is gender specific is leadership ability. I am arguing for leadership to be given as a role based on individuals ability to lead, not by gender.

Eastern culture, in which the bible was written, looks at rules in a much more fluid way. Where rules are given, exceptions are acceptable and expected. See "Misreading Scripture Through Western Eyes" for more information regarding that. Paul speaks against women leading over men (1 Timothy 2:12), but he also affirms Pheobe, a church deacon, and Junia, a woman apostle (more specifically a highly esteemed apostle.) "Because most people in Mediterranean antiquity were functionally illiterate, those who could read and speak well generally assumed teaching roles, an--with rare exceptions--these were men." (Keener) Men were more likely educated, so it is fitting, though not definitive, to say that Paul's restrictions on women leadership were due to women's lack of education--especially in light of Paul's affirmation of women leaders and eastern cultures outlook on rules.

In Romans 16 Paul greets women alongside many men, affirming their ministry. The word used to describe Pheobe as a Deacon in Romans 16:1 is translated by the ESV as servant. This would be a likely if the word was feminine. The word used is the masculine form of "Diakonos" which indicates a specific title. The name Junia being a female name is questioned. However, why have we questioned Pheobe's authority or Junia's gender? Do we assume it is unlikely because of our understanding of Paul's stance on women in ministry? If that is the case, my previous paragraph holds my argument against that. What other reason did we have to question it other than its lack of alignment with the Churches current theology?

In fact, Paul was one of the more progressive writers of his day. Knowing that, some consider these strong affirmations toward the ministry of the women he greets, which greatly surpasses the affirmation given to the men, in Romans 16, as written with the purpose of breaking down the prejudice against women in that day.

To consider these observations as a mere reliance upon human wisdom over the bible is hypocritical. Human wisdom is always a factor in biblical interpretation, and it is not more so here than it is with complementarianism. It seems irresponsible to favor the factors that affirm the churches past theology over the ones that challenge it. I regard tradition as important, but I do not think tradition holds more authority than scripture. Paul's direction for women to not teach over men and his strong affirmation of women church leaders should be viewed in equal light.

I'll admit I know less about Galatians 3:28 which says: "There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male or female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." It is undisputed that this passage is speaking about salvation. The thing is- the salvation Jesus brought was not solely for our life after death. Jesus was fulfilling the law left and right, challenging the current ways of life to restore his original creation. Jesus came to break down the wall created through the fall. He promised a restoration of what was intended for creation-- and if man ruling over women was a result of the fall, what does that say about God's intended order and the new promise we are working toward?

Listed with "man and women" is "Jew nor Gentile." The Jews were running the Christianity show- making the decisions over the gentiles. This passage is thought to be a breaking down of that authority gap--granting Gentiles the opportunity to discern truth and guide the church and we are all a product of this change in posture. So why do we see the distinction of "Jew nor Gentile" as a breaking down of the authority gap and not "man nor women."

It is true that groups work best when one person is given authority and I do think it is plausible that God assigned a specific type of person to that position. A common misconception about egalitarianism I've encountered is that women want to either lead over men or co-lead and make joint decisions. I do consider having a leader designated beneficial.

To say that only one view or the other is biblical is condescending. Both sides demonstrate high regard for scripture in their reasoning and both readings of scripture are in part hindered by the readers' bias. Nothing that I said is definitive proof--but it is sound reasoning grounded by biblical support.

I am open to conversations about this, but not arguments-- and not over the internet.

Further reading:

Keener, Craig S. "Was Paul for or Against Women in Ministry?" Enrichment Journal. The General Council of Assemblies of God, 2015. Web. 4 Dec. 2015. <http://enrichmentjournal.ag.org/200102/082_paul.cfm>.

Richards, E. Randolph, and Brandon J. O'Brien. Misreading Scripture with Western Eyes: Removing Cultural Blinders to Better Understand the Bible. Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 2012. Print.

Thanksgiving Love

 "Insurrection" by Peter Rollins begins with a parable. I don't remember it entirely, but here's a short summary of it:

There was a Pastor that preached about service by telling his congregation that he served the needy every Saturday. However, each Saturday, instead of serving the needy, he played golf. St. Peter and God were watching the fella, and Peter said something along the lines of, "Yo God, you gotta punish him for that!" And God was like, "Chill dude, I got this." So the next Saturday, when the Pastor, he got a hole in one... every. Single. Hole. The Pastor was amazed! Peter was annoyed. He was like, "What? This is not a punishment. He enjoyed that!" God replied: 

"Yeah, but who is he going to tell?"

There are a lot of experiences, places, and materials that I enjoy. I am so lucky and thankful to have what I have. But more than that, I am thankful for the people I love.

These things I have aren't blessings by themselves. It's through sharing these things and experiences with my friends and family that I experience joy.

Much love and and many thanks to the people in my life. Without you, the things I have mean nothing. You bring significance to everything I experience.

With Love,
~Jean

 "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing"  

1 Corinthians 13:1-13

To Mom, Dad, Esther, Kasey, Kayla, Victoria, Catherine, my REACHers, Basically all of Lewis Hall, Devereux, Si-Hua, All of the people I know named Sara/h, my students, my campers, my co-workers, and everyone else that I love <3

Waves and Opinions

"This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God." James 1:19-20

During the past 3 years I've alternated between hiding my opinion and loudly declaring it. From where I'm standing now, the latter seems to be favored but destructive. Sharing opinions is so obviously necessary-so how can it lead to so much pain?

This summer I experienced ocean waves for the first time--or at least ones that were big enough to surf on. I tried real surfing a few times, but when it was clear that I wasn't getting anywhere with it, I began body surfing instead. Turns out I enjoyed body surfing a lot better. Being completely overtaken by a huge wave was the most thrilling experience.

I always thought body surfing was just jumping into a wave, but it's actually not. You have to watch the forming wave, figure out where it's going to peak, and meet it at it's speed. If you catch it too early, you'll only plunge forward for a second. If you catch it too late, you might be slammed into the ground. If you catch it at the right time, you'll ride till the wave ends. Practically no skill is needed for this-our only job is to know when to jump in.

We don't control when the wave comes, how far out it forms, or how large it is. The ocean has all the control--we're just trying to align ourselves with it.

Sometimes, even beautiful words, if spoken at the wrong time, accomplish nothing. Watch and enjoy the ocean, pay attention to the waves, and when the time comes, don't miss your chance to surf.