My Adulthood Fails

Holy Moly!

It has been one year since I moved into my first apartment!

Which means I survived an entire year of "adulting."

I am so proud of myself for going on this terrifying, expensive, confusing, lonely adventure alone.

Also, I am so glad the first year is over.

To celebrate, I've decided to laugh at myself. Join me as I reminisce on my adulthood fails.

• For a week, my milk was thick and my meat tasted weird, even though they were not near expiring. I just assumed I was paranoid and this was normal. Turns out my fridge was on it's lowest setting so I had been low-key food poisoning myself all week.

• I live on the second floor and park far from my apartment, so when possible I try bringing my groceries in one trip. One time I had just barely too much for one trip, but I attempted it anyway. I spent so long strategically rearranging the groceries that it would've taken less time to take two trips-- also I broke 5 eggs.

• The first time I tried frying food, I thought the oil was supposed to boil. It ended up evaporating, setting off the fire alarm, and getting in my eyes. I had to open the window and stop the fire alarm all while barely being able to open my eyes from the painful fumes.

• Some weeks I would only be home for a short amount of time, making it hard to buy groceries and cook. At one point I went an entire week with barely any food in my apartment. I lived off of granola bars and lunchables.

• Through a ridiculous 3 hour phone call, during which I was practically brainwashed and hypnotized, I somehow was conned into paying for a probably-sketchy 2 night cruise for me and a not-yet identified guest. After I realized how crazy this was, I called to get my money back. They didn't put up a fight and I attribute that to the fact that I told the customer service lady that I, too, was recording the conversation.

• I bought my first bottle of wine without realizing that I did not have a corkscrew. My friend mentioned that some people use a screw and a hammer to open the bottle. So I put a screw in, but I didn't have a hammer so I improvised with a can opener. while trying to pull it out, the cork broke and the can opener smacked me in the mouth. I had a bloody, bruised lip.

• I, for some reason, have still not bought a tape measure or yard stick. When I need to measure something, I compare it to the length of my own body by laying down next to it.

• I improvised while cooking a breakfast casserole, putting some bread that would soon expire in the bottom. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted, but it took so much time, effort, and so many ingredients that I tried to force myself to eat it all week. I eventually gave up and threw it away.

• The first time I tried getting health insurance, the agent I spoke with signed me up for some sort of not-actually-insurance health club thing. I paid for this for like 3 months before learning that it wasn't actually health insurance.

• I have been mistaken as a middle schooler about 8 times and a high schooler too many times to count. One time I was mistaken as a middle schooler while actually sitting at the teacher's desk in a classroom.

I am so full of nostalgia.

I still cannot believe that I actually understand cooking, have my own insurance, my own furniture, my own CAT.

Now I've come full circle, because tomorrow I move, and begin a new job in a new county.

Abundant blessings and good vibes,

Jean