Reflections on a Crazy Year and Projections on a New One

2015 has topped 2012 and earned the title of "Jean's most exciting year."

*applause*

2015 brought me...

my first visit to another country.

my first hostel stay.

my first mission's trip.

my first existential crisis. (wohoo!)

my first real break up.

a heartfelt goodbye to many friends.

my first car.

my first time as a bridesmaid.

my first baseball game.

my first trip outside of my timezone.

my first time driving in a big city.

my first youth ministry job.

an amazing youth group.

amazing co-workers.
my first drive-in movie.

my first white water rafting trip.

love for Hugh Grant.

my first parking ticket.

my first surfing experience.

my first jump on a high dive.

my first attempt at water skiing. (and last)

a killer flip flop tan.

the beginning of my senior year.

a ginormous group of freshmen friends. (and Will)
my first jury duty.

another amazing youth group.

another amazing group of co-workers.

a new love of coffee.

a new love of sports.

a new group of REACHers.

my first speeding ticket.

a dog! (who is my sister's but I like him too)

a position as a writer.

I'm proud of myself because I've done a lot of much needed changing.

Between graduating, visiting the Philippines for the first time, and (hopefully) getting a job and an apartment, 2016 is probably going to be another big one. I'm starting to realize that what I really want is adventure. I might not be able to afford to having exotic over-seas adventures- especially not with the debt I'll have- but I love new experiences and the stories they create.

Change is getting scary. I've called a lot of places home now and sometimes I feel like I have no longer have a home at all. I don't know who will be in my life next year and who won't.

But despite the setbacks, I love the rush of change.

I don't remember my past New Year's resolutions. They must not have been very great. I'm going to try it again though, and this time keep it pretty simple.

Try New Things.

This world may be a battlefield, but it's also a playground.

I want to go find people, places, and art to love, and figure out new ways to love them.

10 Things About My Strange Childhood

Just know that the reason I am able to discuss these now is because they are 100% in my past and they no longer define me.

1. I tried to talk to people in my mind

Just to see if it worked. I would sit in class and say, "If you can hear me, tap three times on your desk." When they didn't do it, I would imagine them saying, "Oh, I forgot" or "I was afraid someone would wonder what I was doing."

2. I thought I was Abraham

After hearing the bible story where Abraham almost sacrificed his son, I would think I heard God telling me to sacrifice my stuffed animals for him. I'd go to rip one up, and then hear him say, "No wait! Now you don't have to!" This happened on numerous occasions.

3. I thought the words in books changed when you closed them

I would continuously shut books and then open them really fast to catch it happening.

4. I said the wrong answers in my head while taking tests in case anyone was cheating by reading my mind

Self explanatory.

5. I tried to talk to babies

I thought maybe the weird noises they made were actually a language they developed, so I would try to imitate it and imagine I was having a conversation with them.

6. I ate brown sugar

I wasn't allowed to, so I would just steal the jar from the cupboard and hide in the closet eating it.
Sorry you had to find out this way, mom.

7. Personify the raindrops on my window

I would imagine it as a war scene, assigning every movement and distinction a parallel meaning. For example-- if a raindrop absorbed another, it had killed the other. The smaller the raindrop the younger it was--ect.

8. I thought people were stealing my ideas

I would always have really cool ideas for TV shows and episodes, and then a few months later they would actually be created. So I imagined that producers had a way to read my thoughts and use my ideas.

9. I thought all of my life was an experiment

I actually learned about this in philosophy class- so maybe I was just a smart kid. I thought that maybe life was actually completely different, and I was just the object of an experiment that involved creating an alternate universe. Everyone around me was an actor placed in my life to trick me-- and since I thought people could read my mind I was afraid they'd find out that I knew.

10. Checked for secret messages in songs

I tried to decode potential secret cries for help in Hannah Montana songs just in case she was actually a slave to the media and was trying to escape.
Hey, if I was right, I bet I would've been the only one to find out.


Most of these things went on until I was about 12.

Things I Wish I had Said.

Over time, I've developed a list of things I wish I had said. Even without their context, I want to say them.

"Do you really want my opinion, or for me to affirm yours?"

"Did you hear my story, or just opportunities to invalidate it?"

"There are older, smarter, and wiser people who disagree."

"If you can't say it in front of me, is it truth or just disrespectful?"

"If you have to counter everything, you're speaking out of fear, not confidence."

"I don't think that's funny."

"People who were wrong were persecuted too."

"I don't think you love truth, I think you love knowing truth."

I don't want anyone to respond, but if you must: Take enough time to dwell on the words, so that you can feel the irony when you do.

Tata,

Jean

Women and Ministry

I did not ever intend for my blog to contain something of this nature, but I have grown increasingly frustrated and passionate about this topic.

To preface this: I am still a student, not an expert, and I acknowledge that, as a ministry student, I am personally invested in this topic. However, as a student who grew up in a complementarian church, my foundation was built upon the opposing position, and I feel that gives this argument some extra weight. As a female ministry student in her senior year, I have explored this topic in greater depth than the majority of those who would read my blog.

The complementarian viewpoint comes with one of two implications.
1. That women do not have the capacity to achieve the same or greater amount of wisdom or leadership ability as men.
2. That if a women has achieved a greater level of wisdom or leadership ability than the men in a her church, she should yield to a man with less wisdom or leadership ability.

The frequent expression, "Equality does not denote sameness" used as a clarifier for egalitarians is often a misconception of what egalitarian stand for. I don't think men and women are the same (though I personally think that is largely the result of social construction-but that doesn't effect my argument here), I think they both have unique gifts and personalities. One of the gifts that I do not believe is gender specific is leadership ability. I am arguing for leadership to be given as a role based on individuals ability to lead, not by gender.

Eastern culture, in which the bible was written, looks at rules in a much more fluid way. Where rules are given, exceptions are acceptable and expected. See "Misreading Scripture Through Western Eyes" for more information regarding that. Paul speaks against women leading over men (1 Timothy 2:12), but he also affirms Pheobe, a church deacon, and Junia, a woman apostle (more specifically a highly esteemed apostle.) "Because most people in Mediterranean antiquity were functionally illiterate, those who could read and speak well generally assumed teaching roles, an--with rare exceptions--these were men." (Keener) Men were more likely educated, so it is fitting, though not definitive, to say that Paul's restrictions on women leadership were due to women's lack of education--especially in light of Paul's affirmation of women leaders and eastern cultures outlook on rules.

In Romans 16 Paul greets women alongside many men, affirming their ministry. The word used to describe Pheobe as a Deacon in Romans 16:1 is translated by the ESV as servant. This would be a likely if the word was feminine. The word used is the masculine form of "Diakonos" which indicates a specific title. The name Junia being a female name is questioned. However, why have we questioned Pheobe's authority or Junia's gender? Do we assume it is unlikely because of our understanding of Paul's stance on women in ministry? If that is the case, my previous paragraph holds my argument against that. What other reason did we have to question it other than its lack of alignment with the Churches current theology?

In fact, Paul was one of the more progressive writers of his day. Knowing that, some consider these strong affirmations toward the ministry of the women he greets, which greatly surpasses the affirmation given to the men, in Romans 16, as written with the purpose of breaking down the prejudice against women in that day.

To consider these observations as a mere reliance upon human wisdom over the bible is hypocritical. Human wisdom is always a factor in biblical interpretation, and it is not more so here than it is with complementarianism. It seems irresponsible to favor the factors that affirm the churches past theology over the ones that challenge it. I regard tradition as important, but I do not think tradition holds more authority than scripture. Paul's direction for women to not teach over men and his strong affirmation of women church leaders should be viewed in equal light.

I'll admit I know less about Galatians 3:28 which says: "There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male or female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." It is undisputed that this passage is speaking about salvation. The thing is- the salvation Jesus brought was not solely for our life after death. Jesus was fulfilling the law left and right, challenging the current ways of life to restore his original creation. Jesus came to break down the wall created through the fall. He promised a restoration of what was intended for creation-- and if man ruling over women was a result of the fall, what does that say about God's intended order and the new promise we are working toward?

Listed with "man and women" is "Jew nor Gentile." The Jews were running the Christianity show- making the decisions over the gentiles. This passage is thought to be a breaking down of that authority gap--granting Gentiles the opportunity to discern truth and guide the church and we are all a product of this change in posture. So why do we see the distinction of "Jew nor Gentile" as a breaking down of the authority gap and not "man nor women."

It is true that groups work best when one person is given authority and I do think it is plausible that God assigned a specific type of person to that position. A common misconception about egalitarianism I've encountered is that women want to either lead over men or co-lead and make joint decisions. I do consider having a leader designated beneficial.

To say that only one view or the other is biblical is condescending. Both sides demonstrate high regard for scripture in their reasoning and both readings of scripture are in part hindered by the readers' bias. Nothing that I said is definitive proof--but it is sound reasoning grounded by biblical support.

I am open to conversations about this, but not arguments-- and not over the internet.

Further reading:

Keener, Craig S. "Was Paul for or Against Women in Ministry?" Enrichment Journal. The General Council of Assemblies of God, 2015. Web. 4 Dec. 2015. <http://enrichmentjournal.ag.org/200102/082_paul.cfm>.

Richards, E. Randolph, and Brandon J. O'Brien. Misreading Scripture with Western Eyes: Removing Cultural Blinders to Better Understand the Bible. Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 2012. Print.

Thanksgiving Love

 "Insurrection" by Peter Rollins begins with a parable. I don't remember it entirely, but here's a short summary of it:

There was a Pastor that preached about service by telling his congregation that he served the needy every Saturday. However, each Saturday, instead of serving the needy, he played golf. St. Peter and God were watching the fella, and Peter said something along the lines of, "Yo God, you gotta punish him for that!" And God was like, "Chill dude, I got this." So the next Saturday, when the Pastor, he got a hole in one... every. Single. Hole. The Pastor was amazed! Peter was annoyed. He was like, "What? This is not a punishment. He enjoyed that!" God replied: 

"Yeah, but who is he going to tell?"

There are a lot of experiences, places, and materials that I enjoy. I am so lucky and thankful to have what I have. But more than that, I am thankful for the people I love.

These things I have aren't blessings by themselves. It's through sharing these things and experiences with my friends and family that I experience joy.

Much love and and many thanks to the people in my life. Without you, the things I have mean nothing. You bring significance to everything I experience.

With Love,
~Jean

 "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing"  

1 Corinthians 13:1-13

To Mom, Dad, Esther, Kasey, Kayla, Victoria, Catherine, my REACHers, Basically all of Lewis Hall, Devereux, Si-Hua, All of the people I know named Sara/h, my students, my campers, my co-workers, and everyone else that I love <3

Waves and Opinions

"This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God." James 1:19-20

During the past 3 years I've alternated between hiding my opinion and loudly declaring it. From where I'm standing now, the latter seems to be favored but destructive. Sharing opinions is so obviously necessary-so how can it lead to so much pain?

This summer I experienced ocean waves for the first time--or at least ones that were big enough to surf on. I tried real surfing a few times, but when it was clear that I wasn't getting anywhere with it, I began body surfing instead. Turns out I enjoyed body surfing a lot better. Being completely overtaken by a huge wave was the most thrilling experience.

I always thought body surfing was just jumping into a wave, but it's actually not. You have to watch the forming wave, figure out where it's going to peak, and meet it at it's speed. If you catch it too early, you'll only plunge forward for a second. If you catch it too late, you might be slammed into the ground. If you catch it at the right time, you'll ride till the wave ends. Practically no skill is needed for this-our only job is to know when to jump in.

We don't control when the wave comes, how far out it forms, or how large it is. The ocean has all the control--we're just trying to align ourselves with it.

Sometimes, even beautiful words, if spoken at the wrong time, accomplish nothing. Watch and enjoy the ocean, pay attention to the waves, and when the time comes, don't miss your chance to surf.

Change

"The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

I have this great friend that once told me that he doesn't miss people. This was really surprising, because he had been away from his home for over two years.

I responded with something like, "What?! Not even your parents? Are you not close to them?" He then explained to me that missing them had nothing to do with how much he cared about them, he's just usually distracted and not thinking about them.

I have a very difficult time handling separation from my friends, so when he told me this I assumed him to be a super-human that experienced life differently. After chewing on his words for a bit, I realized he just happened to me more self aware than me.

My idea of love came with the implication that separation from friends meant missing them. I thought if I didn't miss a person, I didn't love them very much. I thought if I was completely content without them, I didn't love them very much. I thought that if enough time passed without me missing them, that would mean they aren't as special to me.

So I'm currently living in Lewis Hall with a whole lot of new people, while all of the people I once saw and hung out with everyday are living in apartments and off campus. I've been missing people and crying--but the real reason isn't because I just love them so much that I can't live without them, it's because I'm trying to hold onto the gifts God gave me before out of a fear that what He's giving me now won't be as great.

I do wish that I could keep all my friends in my life forever, and it is sad that they are gone-- but their absence in my life now does not make their presence in my past any less beautiful. I will always love them. If I try to love by holding on too tight, then I'll miss out on the love I have for these new people.

And there is one consistency in my life. Change keeps me aware of my need for God-for that reason alone I consider it beautiful.

"Truly I say to you, this generation will not pass away until all these things take place. Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will not pass away." Matthew 24:34-35

Life is Meaningless and That's Okay!

You know, we're all just going to die. In fact, we can't even handle knowing that, so you probably don't know. Literally all of us do all things to avoid awareness of death.

"The wise man's eyes are in his head, but the fool walks in darkness. And yet I know that one fate befalls them both." Ecclesiastes 2:14

One time I learned that life was meaningless in Philosophy class, and it was actually really freeing. You wouldn't think it'd be, but it was. It took the weight off of me. I had been trying so hard to be important, but when I decided there was no point to that, I was free.

We think being needed or having a goal is fulfilling, but it's actually not. We complete goals just to get new goals. Especially goals like becoming a godly person. Well we can, but why? So that we can get a reward? No, Jesus already gave us that. So that we can be happy? No, that's not what being godly will get us. So that we can save others? No, God doesn't need our help with that. We literally aren't needed. The things we do don't matter. There is no need to do the things we are doing.

Don't freak out, just go with it!

This is hard for us to understand because we don't understand intrinsic value. Consumer culture has taught us that things are only worth something if we can get something out of it- happiness, money, wisdom. I don't even know if we can comprehend something just being valuable. We've commodified God, (Shout out to Skye Jethani for writing a book on this) AND ourselves. We think we're only worth something if something comes from us.

You know what HAS intrinsic value? Life! God! Love! Let's be happy not because we can get something out of them, let's just be happy they exist. Life being pointless makes it more beautiful. We don't NEED to exist- but we get to. God doesn't NEED us, but He made us. We don't HAVE to become godly-but we want to. Just like the son that "helps" his mom make cookies--we're having fun, enjoying life with God. Even though He doesn't need our help, it's still great- because it's valuable as is.

Nothing is even about us. Everything is from God, about God, and for God. The best part of embracing that the things we do are cyclical and unnecessary is that we let go of ourselves- our need to perform and impress and succeed. No expectations, just do what you do and enjoy the stories you see and the people you meet. Nothing needs to come from it.

"There is nothing better for a man than to eat and drink and tell himself that his labor is good. This also I have seen that it is from the hand of God. For who can eat and who can have enjoyment without Him?" Ecclesiastes 2:24

I Was So in Love With a Shirt

"More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ." Philippians 3:8

I just spent a week at camp. Although I was technically a guest counselor, I felt like a camper most of the time. Everything and everyone was new and exciting to me, I did everything with the campers, and until I clarified, everyone thought I was a camper anyway. I went to staff meetings, but luckily I had a co-counselor who had done all of this 4 weeks in a row and didn't actually need my help.

First of all--how ridiculously lucky am I? I love camp, and when I graduated High School I thought it was the last time I'd get to experience camp that way. I love spending time with my students, and this was one of those weeks where my job felt like a vacation, because it literally was.

Anyway, I've been having a lot of thoughts about consumer culture this past year. Once we dissected it and mapped it out in class, I saw it everywhere, especially in myself, and it was sickening. Being a shopoholic is a real thing. Spell check doesn't think it is, but it's real.

This was the first camp that I've ever been to where students brought money to buy things. There were snacks, crafts, souvenirs, and special activities that you could purchase. Being at camp, a place where I usually don't have the option to shop, brought this consumeristic mindset of mine to light. I was appalled with myself.

At one point, I was waiting in line for ice cream, and the line was taking forever. I wasn't even in line with a student, so I was just totally wasting precious bonding time for something that literally was only going to bring joy for 1 minute and then weigh me down. I kept thinking, "man, I should just leave the line," but I also kept thinking, "No, you've waited this long." It's similar to the way I react toward becoming a minimalist. "You don't need this stuff!" "But I've spent so much money on it!"

So I ended up staying in line because I'm weak. I told myself it was no big deal, but If I can't give up ice cream then how can I give up anything else? When I got to the front of the line, the weirdest thing happened-- my card just wouldn't work. It was kinda like a freaky slap on the face from God, especially since it worked on that machine before and after this incident. The workers paid for me using their tip, which I took as God saying, "Don't worry, you're weak, but I've got ya."

Right after that I went to the book store with my campers, and I really wanted to buy things. I shouldn't even try my card again, because God might have been using the ice cream moment to say, "You were right, I do want you to try minimalism." But I ended up buying a very expensive sticker and a shirt. I honestly felt guilty, and the thought of giving it up crossed my mind but I wanted it so much that I didn't do it.

Isn't that sick? I was so in love with a shirt.

So the next day we went back, and one of my campers really wanted that shirt, and there were no more smalls left. So I gave mine to her, and felt relief. Honestly, I still wanted the shirt, but she was really excited about it and so that made it easier. Just when I thought I had let God down and that my selfishness had won the battle, He opened another door.

I know it's just a shirt, but this is sorta a big deal. I decided to ACTUALLY become a minimalist. I'm committing. I don't know how long it will take, but it's happening. In that moment I knew, this is who I am becoming. (Shout out to anyone from camp that understands the reference.)

The truth is, we can't actually HAVE anything. Owning that shirt won't make me love it more. Why do we feel like we need to buy the things we love? Sure I could wear it, but I wouldn't actually have it, and I wouldn't love it any more. In fact, true love doesn't possess, it lets go.

Why do we have so much stuff? Why do we feel like we have to take pictures of everything? Why do we feel like we have to share these pictures online with everyone? We do all sorts of things to make us feel like we can grab, control, take, keep, have or love something. The truth is we can't. Think about it. I can't actually hold onto the beauty of creativity, or sunsets, or wisdom-- I'm just getting a taste of it. The really beauty is Jesus, and one day I get to ACTUALLY have Him, completely.

"And He said tot hem, "Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions." Luke 12:15

Offended

"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;" Philippians 2:3

"THERE ARE SO MANY LANES! THERE ARE SO MANY CARS!"
My first time driving in California was terrifying.
"THERE ISN'T ROOM TO SWITCH LANES! WHAT IF HE HITS ME?!"
I was stuck on a highway that I shouldn't have ended up on, and I had to switch lanes in rush hour traffic. I couldn't hear the GPS, the gas pedal on the car was weird, and I had never drove in a big city before. My poor co-intern, who was accompanying me on this horrendous ride, understood the problem.
"You have to trust that everyone else knows what they're doing."
"I AM GOING TO DIE"

I didn't die. That one thing he said ended up being really sound advice. The only reason I was so awful at driving in the city was because I was paranoid. While it is good of me to carefully watch others, I can't watch everywhere. At some point, I have to assume that others know what they are doing. I can't control the entire Highway.

Turns out I learned something other than how to drive in busy traffic through my friend's words.

I was thinking about how much commotion there has been over words like "offended," and about all the ironic posts that are basically about being offended by people being offended. What is all of this?

In ministry, I'm going to have to take a lot of hits- some that I deserve, some that I don't think I deserve, some that I don't think I deserve but do--I know not just because my leaders have told me, but because I've already taken some hard hits.... and not everyone is going to respond to my apologies with the forgiveness and humility I expect either. There will be no glory!

I'm going to have to listen and yield to a lot of people who decide that I'm doing things wrong. If they are upset, I'm going to have to believe them: that they are hurt. It'll be hard to keep the focus off of me ("I wasn't wrong! You misunderstood! This isn't a big deal!"). It's like I always had to tell my campers:

"What's more important than your intentions, is that another person was hurt. Our job is to make sure they know they are loved."

And when I say that I hear my campers (and my facebook friends) say, "but they are just going to complain about everything" "They won't be sorry!" "It wasn't even a big deal!"

Just like when I'm driving-- I think in order to keep love going, I'm going to have to assume that they know what they're doing. I'm going to have to assume that when they say they are hurt, they were really hurt. I'm going to have to assume that they have a point- so that if they actually do I won't miss it because I'm focused on the fact that I didn't intentionally hurt anyone.

It won't mean I did something wrong (though sometimes it will). It won't mean I HAVE to do things differently.
It might mean there was a miscommunication. It might mean I VOLUNTARILY do something differently or CHOOSE to do some things out of sight-because I care more about someone being hurt than I do about my life. And yes, there would be some exceptions...

But the thing is- if you really respect or love a person, why would you NOT sacrifice a little of yourself for their comfort? If you respect a person, why would you assume that they are overreacting? I don't know about you, but when I think about the people I really respect, I assume them to be smarter than me, and if they were upset about something, I would EXPECT it to be for good reason.

ALSO WHY WOULD YOU ASSUME TOTAL SOCIETAL FAILURE BECAUSE OF A CHANGE OR OPINION?!?!

Sorry.... lost my cool

Truthfully, for me to do the Lord's work, especially in student ministry, I'm going to HAVE to learn this lesson. I better just throw my need for a good reputation out the window right now. And you can totally disagree (and I will respectfully assume you to have a good point), but I think Christians on all sides of all debates should be assuming that when someone is upset, they know what they're doing.

You have to assume people know what they're doing.

On the bright side, a lot of times doing this softens their hearts, and they'll treat you with the same sort of love and respect- maybe see something they might have done wrong, or try to understand you a little better. It should never be EXPECTED... but there's a better chance of this happening if you yield than if you declare that they're overreacting.



Goodnight. ~Spairnak

Striving After Wind

"I have seen all the works which have been done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and striving after wind." Ecclesiastes 1:14

 I once went a weekend without talking. At first it was a little bit for fun, a little bit for my raspy voice, and a little bit because I was feeling awkward and unable to communicate anyway. But it eventually became a window to reality. At some point God poked me and said, "actually this was all my plan," through a few comments and circumstances. So really, I don't even get credit for choosing to do this.

Anyway, I can't even remember all the things I learned that weekend. Usually when we're speaking our mind is fixated on ourselves somehow, (on what we want, on how people see us, on our observations...etc.) and without speaking my attention was up for grabs.

I remember feeling out of control. I remember feeling relief from my constant need to perform. I remember listening longer and deeper than ever before. I also learned of my insignificance- which sounds awful, but it's actually not.

I had a little board to write things on, but it could only work for short, essential things. I couldn't give any actual input into a conversation. After a while, I started to realize that my input wasn't needed. Someone always said what I was going to say. Sometimes right away, sometimes after a while. Truth is, my words weren't really needed.

"That which has been is that which will be, And that which has been done is that which will be done. So there is nothing new under the sun." Eclessiastes 1:9

The truth just... exists. We aren't creating it or untangling it when we speak of it, we are observing it. It was the same before I spoke and will be the same after I speak. How much I understand it does not effect my significance. It's there for anyone to see at anytime. With or without me, people can and will find it. The truth does what it wants and doesn't need my help.

I gain nothing from understanding it. In fact, sometimes it becomes burdensome.

But I love the truth, so I think I'll chase it anyway.