Things I Wish I had Said.

Over time, I've developed a list of things I wish I had said. Even without their context, I want to say them.

"Do you really want my opinion, or for me to affirm yours?"

"Did you hear my story, or just opportunities to invalidate it?"

"There are older, smarter, and wiser people who disagree."

"If you can't say it in front of me, is it truth or just disrespectful?"

"If you have to counter everything, you're speaking out of fear, not confidence."

"I don't think that's funny."

"People who were wrong were persecuted too."

"I don't think you love truth, I think you love knowing truth."

I don't want anyone to respond, but if you must: Take enough time to dwell on the words, so that you can feel the irony when you do.

Tata,

Jean

Offended

"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;" Philippians 2:3

"THERE ARE SO MANY LANES! THERE ARE SO MANY CARS!"
My first time driving in California was terrifying.
"THERE ISN'T ROOM TO SWITCH LANES! WHAT IF HE HITS ME?!"
I was stuck on a highway that I shouldn't have ended up on, and I had to switch lanes in rush hour traffic. I couldn't hear the GPS, the gas pedal on the car was weird, and I had never drove in a big city before. My poor co-intern, who was accompanying me on this horrendous ride, understood the problem.
"You have to trust that everyone else knows what they're doing."
"I AM GOING TO DIE"

I didn't die. That one thing he said ended up being really sound advice. The only reason I was so awful at driving in the city was because I was paranoid. While it is good of me to carefully watch others, I can't watch everywhere. At some point, I have to assume that others know what they are doing. I can't control the entire Highway.

Turns out I learned something other than how to drive in busy traffic through my friend's words.

I was thinking about how much commotion there has been over words like "offended," and about all the ironic posts that are basically about being offended by people being offended. What is all of this?

In ministry, I'm going to have to take a lot of hits- some that I deserve, some that I don't think I deserve, some that I don't think I deserve but do--I know not just because my leaders have told me, but because I've already taken some hard hits.... and not everyone is going to respond to my apologies with the forgiveness and humility I expect either. There will be no glory!

I'm going to have to listen and yield to a lot of people who decide that I'm doing things wrong. If they are upset, I'm going to have to believe them: that they are hurt. It'll be hard to keep the focus off of me ("I wasn't wrong! You misunderstood! This isn't a big deal!"). It's like I always had to tell my campers:

"What's more important than your intentions, is that another person was hurt. Our job is to make sure they know they are loved."

And when I say that I hear my campers (and my facebook friends) say, "but they are just going to complain about everything" "They won't be sorry!" "It wasn't even a big deal!"

Just like when I'm driving-- I think in order to keep love going, I'm going to have to assume that they know what they're doing. I'm going to have to assume that when they say they are hurt, they were really hurt. I'm going to have to assume that they have a point- so that if they actually do I won't miss it because I'm focused on the fact that I didn't intentionally hurt anyone.

It won't mean I did something wrong (though sometimes it will). It won't mean I HAVE to do things differently.
It might mean there was a miscommunication. It might mean I VOLUNTARILY do something differently or CHOOSE to do some things out of sight-because I care more about someone being hurt than I do about my life. And yes, there would be some exceptions...

But the thing is- if you really respect or love a person, why would you NOT sacrifice a little of yourself for their comfort? If you respect a person, why would you assume that they are overreacting? I don't know about you, but when I think about the people I really respect, I assume them to be smarter than me, and if they were upset about something, I would EXPECT it to be for good reason.

ALSO WHY WOULD YOU ASSUME TOTAL SOCIETAL FAILURE BECAUSE OF A CHANGE OR OPINION?!?!

Sorry.... lost my cool

Truthfully, for me to do the Lord's work, especially in student ministry, I'm going to HAVE to learn this lesson. I better just throw my need for a good reputation out the window right now. And you can totally disagree (and I will respectfully assume you to have a good point), but I think Christians on all sides of all debates should be assuming that when someone is upset, they know what they're doing.

You have to assume people know what they're doing.

On the bright side, a lot of times doing this softens their hearts, and they'll treat you with the same sort of love and respect- maybe see something they might have done wrong, or try to understand you a little better. It should never be EXPECTED... but there's a better chance of this happening if you yield than if you declare that they're overreacting.



Goodnight. ~Spairnak

Striving After Wind

"I have seen all the works which have been done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and striving after wind." Ecclesiastes 1:14

 I once went a weekend without talking. At first it was a little bit for fun, a little bit for my raspy voice, and a little bit because I was feeling awkward and unable to communicate anyway. But it eventually became a window to reality. At some point God poked me and said, "actually this was all my plan," through a few comments and circumstances. So really, I don't even get credit for choosing to do this.

Anyway, I can't even remember all the things I learned that weekend. Usually when we're speaking our mind is fixated on ourselves somehow, (on what we want, on how people see us, on our observations...etc.) and without speaking my attention was up for grabs.

I remember feeling out of control. I remember feeling relief from my constant need to perform. I remember listening longer and deeper than ever before. I also learned of my insignificance- which sounds awful, but it's actually not.

I had a little board to write things on, but it could only work for short, essential things. I couldn't give any actual input into a conversation. After a while, I started to realize that my input wasn't needed. Someone always said what I was going to say. Sometimes right away, sometimes after a while. Truth is, my words weren't really needed.

"That which has been is that which will be, And that which has been done is that which will be done. So there is nothing new under the sun." Eclessiastes 1:9

The truth just... exists. We aren't creating it or untangling it when we speak of it, we are observing it. It was the same before I spoke and will be the same after I speak. How much I understand it does not effect my significance. It's there for anyone to see at anytime. With or without me, people can and will find it. The truth does what it wants and doesn't need my help.

I gain nothing from understanding it. In fact, sometimes it becomes burdensome.

But I love the truth, so I think I'll chase it anyway.